isnt it funny how one minute you can be smiling and the next its all you can do to force one?
life is totally depressing on my end. its like whatever i do to try and cheer up is a completely wasted effort.
i just feel like the world is going to crap and that nobody really cares about anyone else anymore. i've always been nice to other people to try and make them happy first, and now it's like the older i get/more crap i put up with, the more i realize how stupid it is. i mean, im the one who is/has been depressed for 3 years (literally... just about every smile is an act) and i sit there and try and make everyone else happy first. all that does is make me even more sad cuz i give in to them and i get to feel unappreciated. its like one thing after another. depression is not easy... esp when its not JUST you that deals with it...
Code has been putting up with my random outbursts and freak-outs right along with me. he just doesnt know what to do to cheer me up anymore and neither do i.
i know exactly what i want out of life but its so far away it doesnt seem possible.
PLUS, i feel like i have a tiny lil support system, when i need everyone i know to notice that im trying.
its almost exhausting trying to make others happy. is it worth it in the long run? are you supposed to spend your life trying to make others happy instead of yourself?
i've been thru all sorts of things in life but being depressed is by far the most painful. its literally "smile one minute, frown the next". one LOOK can destroy my entire attitude.
i just feel like Code & i have hit rock bottom... neither one of us is working (well Code is KINDA) so we cant pay our bills...
so having fun is almost pointless also. i just cant justify going and having a good time when we have no money and i think life sucks so bad.
most of my days start with me not wanting to get out of bed. once im up, i sit around and be depressed... feed Madi, (not myself) put M down for a nap, sit around and be depressed... she gets up... cycle repeats itself. i flat out dont care about myself when im depressed. i dont eat when im upset/depressed... so i end up losing weight and energy. not the best diet!!
what sucks the worst is i have no friends to call and vent to. the handful of 'friends' i have are always busy doing something else and i dont get invited. sooo, it makes me not want to call them cuz they're out enjoying life while im stuck at home.
idk what to do anymore. :(
anyways thanks for listening... i really needed to vent :(
Hope all is well with everyone else!