Thursday, July 2, 2009


isnt it funny how one minute you can be smiling and the next its all you can do to force one?

life is totally depressing on my end. its like whatever i do to try and cheer up is a completely wasted effort.

i just feel like the world is going to crap and that nobody really cares about anyone else anymore. i've always been nice to other people to try and make them happy first, and now it's like the older i get/more crap i put up with, the more i realize how stupid it is. i mean, im the one who is/has been depressed for 3 years (literally... just about every smile is an act) and i sit there and try and make everyone else happy first. all that does is make me even more sad cuz i give in to them and i get to feel unappreciated. its like one thing after another. depression is not easy... esp when its not JUST you that deals with it...

Code has been putting up with my random outbursts and freak-outs right along with me. he just doesnt know what to do to cheer me up anymore and neither do i.

i know exactly what i want out of life but its so far away it doesnt seem possible.

PLUS, i feel like i have a tiny lil support system, when i need everyone i know to notice that im trying.
its almost exhausting trying to make others happy. is it worth it in the long run? are you supposed to spend your life trying to make others happy instead of yourself?

i've been thru all sorts of things in life but being depressed is by far the most painful. its literally "smile one minute, frown the next". one LOOK can destroy my entire attitude.

i just feel like Code & i have hit rock bottom... neither one of us is working (well Code is KINDA) so we cant pay our bills...

so having fun is almost pointless also. i just cant justify going and having a good time when we have no money and i think life sucks so bad.

most of my days start with me not wanting to get out of bed. once im up, i sit around and be depressed... feed Madi, (not myself) put M down for a nap, sit around and be depressed... she gets up... cycle repeats itself. i flat out dont care about myself when im depressed. i dont eat when im upset/depressed... so i end up losing weight and energy. not the best diet!!

what sucks the worst is i have no friends to call and vent to. the handful of 'friends' i have are always busy doing something else and i dont get invited. sooo, it makes me not want to call them cuz they're out enjoying life while im stuck at home.

idk what to do anymore. :(

anyways thanks for listening... i really needed to vent :(

Hope all is well with everyone else!



Anonymous said...

If you care to create the opportunity, spend a week at Impact Trainings in Bluffdale Utah. From what I experienced in myself and with my group I can tell you that the training there is more powerful and long lasting than any anti-depressant or excuse.

mckinkle said...

Hi you! Well I was a bit surprised when I just read your blog today. Im a sufferer too so I perfectly understand what you're going through right now. Different triggers would set us both off but the end result is much the same. I know exactly what you say when you say about one minute you smile, the next you feel so down.
From the little I know about you I can tell you have a lot on your plate, you're a hard worker and a dedicated Mom and daughter and wife. There are people around you who care but they dont know how to help you sometimes. It does feel very isolating but just by writing your blog will have made you feel a TINY bit better and thats what you need to do, just pour it all out on your blog if that helps you! Your beautiful crafting will be on your blog too so it wont always be about the down me if you want to rant!! Hasn't your parcel arrived yet?
Keryn x

Marie Taylor said...

Amy, you are on the right track by venting your feelings like this. It's so exhausting to keep up an "act" for everyone else, when you feel like everything is falling apart. Reach out to others for help....many many women (and men) know what you are going through and can really empathize. Try to get out and enjoy nature with's free and it can be very therapeutic...especially when seen through the eyes of a child. Hang in there ...things WILL get better.